Friday, July 24, 2009

Food Fascists

Well, I can't stay away from you, Kookistan. Every time I try to get out, the Kooks just PULL ME BACK IN! Today's ire comes to you from the Food Fascist area of the world.

I'm going to clue you in on a little fact, fair reader. There are certain people out there in the world; malcontents not happy with their lot in life who stake out some special plot of bizarro behavior. In America we're a pretty tolerant bunch, so we say, "have at it, whackaloon!" However, now and again, these malcontents just can't be happy enough by themselves. They need to try to force their abnormal behavior on to others to try to justify themselves and try to redefine what they do as normal. One very special section of hell is being reserved for those that fit this description when it comes to food.

There are 3 types of critters in the world: Herbivores, Carnivores, and Omnivores. Herbivores eat almost entirely herbs and critters of this type have flat teeth for grinding. Carnivores eat almost entirely meat and have sharp POINTY teeth for biting. Omnivores eat both meat and herbs and have a variety of teeth for the task. Now that we've had that basic evolutionary biology lesson, what category do humans fall into? DING DING DING OMNIVORE!

That's right, human beings have evolved to subsist on a combination of both meats and plant material for their sustenance. In order to have a balanced diet that keeps you healthy, you need essential vitamins, supplements, and protiens found in foods that cross both the plant and animal spectrum. We have pointy teeth. That isn't for violently ripping a leaf off a tree and shaking it like a ragdoll til the lifeforce ebbs from the branch. NO! We are multifaceted. We can be the mighty hunter that yanks hot steamy hamburger meat from the cow or eat a depressing bowl of twigs, leaves and berries 'til the next day where we'll hopefully be more successful and bag us a cow.


"I can outrun a Vegan."

Vegans, however, are quitters. That's right, they can't catch a cow (quite possibly the slowest and stupidest animal on earth). So Vegans instead quit at the start of the game and kill off the vegetation of sweet mother-earth. Despite the fact that a forest is not safe from their senseless slaughter, I'm inclined to live and let live. Some, however, do not share my sense of civility. A Vegan advocacy group has come out with a lawsuit against a number of hot dog manufacturers, which you can read about here, that not only tries to scare people into becoming a born again Vegan by calling hot dogs a cancer-agent, but also tries to single-handedly destroy our national past-time. After all, who wants a nice Cancer-dog at the game?

In general, I have a problem with the "scientific studies" that groups like this provide. Every time I've read the fine print (and believe it or not, I'm one of the few wastoids that DOES read legalize in small print) the conclusions of cancer-inducement with compounds in food is always laughably hard to achieve. Someone out there really REALLY hates rats, because if you look, the finding will always say something to the effect that "injecting 50 gallons of Nitrates into rat gave rat cancer." Well no shit, Sherlock. If you put 40 tons of hot dogs in me, I'd likely die too. That's why I'm eating my 40 tons of hot dogs over decades, not a single day.

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